I think about death a lot. Multiple times a day, everyday.
 
  I'm not scared or worried about dying. I'm always thinking about all the different ways I could die.  I worry about the deaths of those around me and how it would effect my mentality. There's a few beings that if I lost them from my life it'd turn everything I've known upside down. I do have attachment issues, not just to them but to a lot of things in my life.

  One of them is a parent, not the best parent but a lot better than my other one. They were in a car accident a few years ago and I broke down. It was well after 1am and I was ready to get dressed and walk to the hospital they had been taken to for tests. Since that day I've been very paranoid about them whenever they're not home. We're not very close, we probably were closer when I was younger but they weren't around a lot since they had to deal with my eldest sibling's troubles.

  I like to think I raised myself because I didn't learn how to do things til years after everyone else. Those life long habits your parents are supposed to get you into, those weren't things I was taught and I hate that. I hate how my life turned out because I was the one in charge of it without any guidance of how to do so. It's just another reason to hate myself really.

I guess I was happy as a child, maybe it was because I didn't know things could be better than what they were. Once I started growing up and actually started understanding things I knew things weren't really all that great. The light that had beamed from "happiness" started to fade and now as an adult I know the light is gone with nothing to ignite it.

Emotions are just a huge pain in life. I get all the wrong ones and they just make me feel more emotions because of it. I just... hate emotions. Sometimes I wish I was colder and didn't care about things as much but I guess that's not right or something.

I didn't ask for all of my baggage, I didn't ask to be who I am, I didn't ask for any of this and I never even asked to be here. But I am here and I don't know what for since all I do here is make people angry and sad. I don't really care about how they feel its just; is that my reason for being on this planet to annoy and have people hate me. It seems like an easy job and it is but its also tiring.

My Intro Starts With An Outro

You've never read anything I've ever written, probably. Maybe you were one of my teachers, or someone that browses poetry web sites, or maybe you were someone who picked up one of the high school newspapers? Maybe then you have read a part of me; but this time it'll be different, and you'll still not know who I am.



A man I had known since I was a child died recently. I found this out eavesdropping; apparently there were many people that didn't really know him. I grew up around his family since they were neighbors of a relative. I don't have many memories of him from when I was younger but one from a few months ago. I remember laughing at something he had said; I liked him, he was just one of those guys. Who knew that even then there was probably something fighting him. I had heard the babbling gossip of what his family were going through and I knew things were sore with them, but they were getting better. This past week he knew his end was coming; I wonder if anyone else knew it too? I don't know if you can end it with dignity but I know he didn't need the speculation from everyone around. Before I knew it was him I had laughed a bit at the idea of someone doing what the news had just reported. I knew something in this "unidentified" persons life had to not be going right for them to do what they did. Then I found out it was him, a man I knew. A man I knew of.